How to Teach Your Children Discipline

How to Teach Your Children Discipline

By Marilyn E. Gootman, Ed.D.

Children have to be taught discipline. They are not born with it. Little by little parents have to teach it to them. While teaching discipline does take time and practice, it gets easier as children learn to control their own behavior. And best of all, teaching discipline does not have to hurt either the parents or the kids.

Parents ask.. What is discipline?

Discipline is helping children develop self-control. Discipline is setting limits and correcting misbehavior. Discipline also is encouraging children, guiding them, helping them feel good about themselves, and teaching them how to think for themselves.

Is spanking a useful approach to discipline?

No. Discipline should help children learn how to control their own behavior. Spanking is used to directly control children's behavior. Spanking does not teach children how to change what they do, as good discipline should.

Isn't is easier to just spank my children?

It may seem easy at the time. But babies who are hit often cry louder. Older children who are hit often are learning to solve problems by hitting others. Many parents notice that after a spanking children may settle down for a while, but pretty soon they start misbehaving again.

Won't spanking teach children whom boss?

Kids do need to know that the adult is in charge. Spanking can teach children to be afraid of the adult in charge. Good discipline teaches children to respect the adult in charge. Respect goes both ways- treat children with respect and let them have some control, and they will respect you and listen to you.

Won't spanking make my children afraid to misbehave?

It can. Spanking can make children afraid to misbehave, but probably only when you are watching. Children need to learn to control their own behavior even when you are not around to watch them.

Don't children need a good spanking sometimes?

No child needs a spanking. Spanking can be dangerous. You can never tell when children will be hurt badly by a spanking if you lose control. Children do not need to be hit in order to learn how to behave.

If I do not spank, then what can I do?

You can do lots of things that will help your children learn self-control - you can help them feel good about themselves, you can show them how a person with self-control acts, you can guide them, you can set limits, you can correct misbehavior by talking to them, and you can teach them how to think for themselves.

What can I do to help my children feel good about themselves?

Let them know what they are doing right, as well as about the mistakes they make. Hearing good things makes us feel good and makes us want to do more good things. Say two nice but true things to children for every time you correct them. Remember, when they are changing their behavior, tell them how well they are doing, even if they only improve just a little. "Great, you played in the playground all morning without fighting."

What do I need to do to guide them?

One thing is to set routines for bedtime, meals and chores. Routines help children feel safe, because they know what parents expect.
Young children have a hard time going from one activity to another. Warning them a few minutes ahead helps them get ready. You can say, "You have five more minutes before bedtime." Be clear about their choices. "You can have milk or juice, but you can't have soda."
Remind them of your rules. Just saying no is not enough. Children often need reminders.

What do I do when my children break the rules?

Stay calm. Do what is fair. Sometimes, your children can help you decide what is fair to do when a rule is broken. Do something that makes sense and will help them learn not to make the same mistake again. For example, if they write on the wall, have them help clean it up.
You can use these problem-solving steps to help children think through what happened and figure out how they can help themselves not make the same mistake again:

1. Have the child say what the problem is ("I want to go across town, and my parent says I cannot take my bike").
2. Have the child come up with as many solutions as possible. At this point, the number of ideas is more important than how good the ideas are ("I could walk. I could take the bus. I could bike halfway and walk the rest of the way").
3. Discuss solutions together and have the child choose which solution to try next time. Be sure it is a solution you can both accept ("I will take the bus").
4. Try out the solution.
5. Check the results. If it works, great. If not, start again.

Two important messages come across to children when you use this approach. First, no problem is so great that you cannot solve it. Second, you are responsible for your own behavior.

What should I do when I am so angry that I think I am going to lose my temper and all I want to do is hit or scream at my child?

Find a way to help yourself calm down so that you do not do or say something you will be sorry for later. If your children are old enough to be left alone or if there is another adult with your children, go somewhere else until you calm down. Tell your children what you are doing. Take a walk, go to another room, or even lock yourself in the bathroom. Try to stay away no longer than five or ten minutes. When you come back to your children, calmly explain your feelings.
Other ways to calm down are to listen to music, take a few deep breaths, or count backwards from ten. Try to do something with your hands to keep them busy - bake a cake, wash a counter, draw, write what you are feeling, or even just scribble. To help yourself not say anything you'll be sorry for later, chew gum, sing or even put your hand up to your mouth.
Remember, what you do always teaches your children what to do. If you lash out, won't your children learn to do the same? If you do lash out, apologize to your child. Saying "I'm sorry" teaches them what to do if they offend others.

What do I do if my children get really angry because I discipline them?

Their anger is no reason to feel as though you're a bad person. Often children get angry when disciplined. As long as you are being fair, it's okay. Let them be angry but you keep your cool. Children must get their angry feelings out. Help them take time-out - draw, build something, play with clay, listen to music or go to a room alone and scream. Most important, when they are ready, help them talk about their feelings. Letting children get their feelings out is like taking out a splinter before it gets infected.
Teach them how to talk about their feelings without hurting or attacking other people. "I feel angry when I cannot go across town, because I want to be with my friends."
Remember: Discipline is how adults teach children to grow to be happy, safe, well-adjusted members of society. Raising children is a tough job, but as children learn to control their own behavior, discipline gets easier and easier. It's well worth the initial effort as your children become responsible for their actions. And you can feel proud that your loving care guided them on their way!

Stop using words that hurt. Start using words that help.